Just blow, kid

Back home in the woods, and just in the nick of time. It's a scary world out there.

We picked up a paper or two along the way, and was startled to see that in Carmel, Ind., kids can't enter a football game without undergoing a Breathalyzer test. They tried it out at a football game Sept. 14, and no students had been drinking, so they decided to try it again at Homecoming Sept. 28, and it looks like it'll be a permanent addition.

Scarier: This has nothing to do with a problem.

Principal John Williams ... emphasized that the school isn't expanding its alcohol testing to football games because of an increase in underage drinking.

"The thing that has driven this decision is technology," Williams said. "It's not driven by anything we've noticed, including drinking. This isn't because these kids are doing more than other kids did. Alcohol has been in our society for a long time.

"What's different is technology -- hand-held Breathalyzers. We have a responsibility to use the technology we have to help kids make good decisions."

Scarier still: It's nothing new.

Students have been tested before proms and homecoming dances for the past three years ... said Superintendent Barbara Underwood.

Scariest of all: Nobody seems to mind. The reporter found the obligatory American Civil Liberties Union spokesman to mention the Fourth Amendment, but even he thinks the school district probably didn't conduct an unreasonable search because school officials run the Breathalyzer, not the police. And none of the parents or students interviewed for the story had a major problem with the whole thing.

Our kids are being raised to understand it's normal for innocent people to be treated as if they're criminals. Probable cause for a search? The authorities don't need no steenking probable cause. Just blow, kid, or you can't dance or watch the game. Make a fuss and we'll call the cops.

And another thing: I was asked to show a photo ID when I stopped to buy some beer for the hotel room in Tennessee. The clerk (who no doubt figured from my accent that I wasn't a local) apologetically said it's state law now -- everybody who wants to buy alcohol in Tennessee has to prove they're 21 or older, even if (like myself) they look closer to retirement than to graduation day.

I wish I could say I refused. But I really felt like a beer. And hearing about the law made me feel like having several. The cause of liberty is pretty much doomed at this pace.

On a brighter note, I have to tell you about the Smoky Mountains. Sadly, I'll also have to tell you about leaving the Smokies. Stay tuned.